i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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