Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
