I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
