Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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