I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
