You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
