Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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