A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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