White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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