We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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