I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
