I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
