when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
