i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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