Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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