I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
