So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
