i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Randomize
