she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
