forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
