New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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