I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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