Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
