Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
