then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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