Just fell off a train. Bad.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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