You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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