And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
