If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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