too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
