I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I'm getting married
To pizza
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
