I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
