your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
