I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
