your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
