I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
