I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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