i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
