Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I supernannyed him into submission
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
