i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
well most of my day revolves around power hour
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
