Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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