new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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