i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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