they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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