I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
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