My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
