i think my tv is drunk
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
