Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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