Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
