i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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