I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
