i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
