That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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