i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
