'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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